I entered the MH system at a relatively ‘young age’ of 18 being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and Comorbid eating disorder. I was quiet about my substance misuse as at the time it was social and relatively dormant by comparison to what it would become later.

When entering university my feelings of inadequacy took over I was no longer the big fish in a small pond it was reversed I was the proverbial swan trying to present myself and mask to everyone that I was ok when I reality I was not. I was drinking before events, restricting my diet, self harming, exercising at every opportunity, ravaging my body in a bid to escape the mental torment or not feeling ‘quite enough’.

It all came crashing down when I caught meningitis and subsequently put myself into rehab. I found CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and meditation but provisionally was only diagnosed with eating disorder and relating depression and anxiety. Trauma and other things weren’t discussed. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) certainly wasn’t ‘fashionable’ at that stage and I went under the radar despite my admission of impulsive ‘addictive’ and harmful behaviour.

I went back out into society. And deteriorated. Significantly. I drank to numb and numbed to hurt in my head only myself, but the collateral damage ensured others fell victim to my pain. I felt everyone would be better off without me self harm increased [in]  severity to the point in would try to take my life multiple times.

I fell pregnant and found that I had severe anti natal depression – whilst the pregnancy itself was smooth and possibly a protective factor the aftermath of giving up breastfeeding and subsequent hormonal changes impacted me so much. I had never experienced such happiness but such isolation. My peaks and troughs were amplified ten fold.

My drinking continued behind closed doors, intermittently. I told myself that because it only happened ‘on occasion’ I was in control’. I wasn’t. My second child was perfection, but my feelings of inadequacy remained if not increased. How could I of all people look after or be the person to guide these little beings through life when I could not navigate it myself??

I tried to take my life again. Multiple times. Multiple cries for help. Suddenly people started suggesting things never considered before as if they had suddenly become the ‘in’ thing, the fashionable ‘label’ . I heard BPD/EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and shuddered. What a horrific term. But the symptoms fit. That alongside PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). But who could tell the difference?! Was there one?! So close to Bipolar, so close to depression and anxiety… so many labels so many tries to ‘fit you in a frame of reference.

I’ve learnt over time to accept who I am flaws and all, through recognising my difficulties in controlling impulses and avoiding things that make me worse – alcohol, obsessive diets, fixating on things I have control over. Medication has helped but I am doubtful if it is the full protective factor. The work I have done with professionals through therapeutic methods has helped, taking therapies has helped, medication has helped. But no one in isolation has ‘fixed’ me. And I’m ok with that. I’ve got to the realisation I do not need to be fixed, I’m beautifully broken. Or evolving as I prefer to describe. My journey is not over I will have hurdles and I will not ever be truly ‘recovered.’

But I know: A LABEL DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. I’m not ashamed I embrace who I am and want to empower others to feel that their ‘disability’ can be used to the positive. Even through connecting with other likeminded people and making them feel less alone. I know when I was in that state one person reaching out to say ‘I feel it too’ would have been a game changer.

Speak your truth: your own experiences can help create change

If you want to share your experiences around this diagnosis you can take part in Platfform’s Truth Project.

Platfform are campaigning for a review of the use of the diagnosis of PD. Add your voice to our call for change by sharing your story. We will share these with Welsh Government and use them to strengthen our campaign.

For more information, and to access the survey, click here.

If you are in a mental health crisis, please read this paragraph

If you have been affected by anything in this story and would like to talk to someone you can call Samaritans on 116 123. You can also call the national mental health support line for advice on 111 (press 2.)