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My story

“It was like I had whole load of new reasons to hate myself.” 

Author wishes to remain anonymous

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was mid 30s. I was struggling with loneliness and low mood and this was following a break up.

I shared some suicidal feelings and that I occasionally self harm. I shared trauma in my past and difficult family relationships. I shared that I sometimes got very attached to certain people.

They diagnosed me, without my knowledge at first, they lent me a book about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which I read and said it doesn’t resonate with me. I asked for a second opinion which ‘confirmed’ it. 

I had worked with people with this diagnosis and knew what people including professionals said and felt about them. Toxic, manipulative, liars, difficult, attention seeking, hostile, nightmare drains on resources. 

It was like I had whole load of new reasons to hate myself.

I felt so much worse, like I had a whole load of new reasons to hate myself. I was so ashamed of myself. I was told not to look at stressful jobs, despite already working as a nurse in various stressful roles my whole life. 

I have since gone back to university and retrained as a social worker and work in a very stressful role that I happen to enjoy and do well in. I don’t have any difficulties building relationships with families I work with, I’m doing fine. 

I don’t share this diagnosis with anyone as I know how it is viewed. I also have done a lot of reading and research and I no longer believe it exists. I feel it is a highly misogynistic and discriminatory diagnosis. What’s an optimum personality anyway?  

I disagree with the medical model of mental health totally now and slowly came off antidepressants as they weren’t helping and having seen a lot of research about them, it was clear these aren’t evidence based medications, the Moncreif meta analysis was very revealing. (The serotonin theory of depression: a systematic umbrella review of the evidence | Molecular Psychiatry (nature.com)) 

I now feel scared that any emotional or physical health difficulties I may have in the future won’t be taken seriously. I feel scared I could lose my job… scared if I’m a victim of a crime I would be discredited. 

I remember seeking a diagnosis at the time, a way to make sense of how I was feeling and I can see how validating it can be. But I feel very differently now and feel this diagnosis has only hindered my life and wish I could have it removed from my records. 


 

Speak your truth: your own experiences can help create change

If you want to share your experiences around this diagnosis you can take part in Platfform’s Truth Project.

Platfform are campaigning for a review of the use of the diagnosis of PD. Add your voice to our call for change by sharing your story. We will share these with Welsh Government and use them to strengthen our campaign.

For more information, and to access the survey, click here.

If you are in a mental health crisis, please read this paragraph

If you have been affected by anything in this story and would like to talk to someone you can call Samaritans on 116 123. You can also call the national mental health support line for advice on 111 (press 2.)